HLC Life Coaching Blog

December 5, 2011

Recovery/12 Steps Series – Step 8

How to Walk the 12 Steps with the HuMethod™ Article 9

Made a List of All Persons We Had Harmed

And Became Willing to Make Amends to Them All …

By Forgiving My Self and Others

By Certified Life Coach Deborah Giddings

Namasté soul friends,

Before I could actually take this step there were many processes I needed to understand and work through.  First, I made the list.  Because the list had everyone I ever met on it, I then discussed the list with my sponsor so I could ‘right-size’ it and really identify who had incurred harm and who didn’t.  Second, I went over the list and asked the God of my understanding to help me become willing to make amends.  This part was more difficult because I didn’t know what it took to become willing, and I didn’t know what amends was.  Thirdly, I needed to trust and have faith that by doing this my life would be restored to sanity.

By reviewing the list with my sponsor I learned that one of my core beliefs was that I didn’t deserve to be loved.  This meant that my ego mind took every action I took and told me that I needed to be sorry. I spent almost the first half of my life saying “I’m sorry” and every time I said that, my ego reinforced my belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved.  In Step 7, when I used the HuMethod™ exercise of Dis-creation, I was able to see where my ego had me in a struggle between my divine ability to be a conscious creator, and my mental roadblocks and emotional baggage (resistance), and therefore kept me walking the same path over and over again.  No wonder I had every person I ever met on my list!!!

I was eager to find relief from the pain I had been living in but I still didn’t know what ‘willing’ meant.  I learned that to become willing I needed to accept what happened so I could detach from the story my ego mind kept trying to get me to relive. Accepting isn’t condoning what happened, but looking at what happened as a witness/observer and accepting “what is” as is so I could detach from the painful memories.  This took some time as I had to review the payoff I was getting by not accepting (i.e.,
people felt sorry for me and I got attention which my ego disguised as ‘love’).  Once I accepted and validated what happened, I needed to forgive because I didn’t want to keep reliving the trauma over and over again and stay connected to the pain of the past.  I tried ‘turning the other cheek’ and being magnanimous about forgiving, and I learned that this wasn’t forgiving at all.  It was just another form of judgment.  I was still attached to the pain.

Amends was another word that I had difficulty with because I thought amends meant saying “I’m sorry” and after saying I’m sorry to everyone for everything, and nothing changed, saying “I’m sorry” didn’t feel right to me.  So I learned that amends means “to change”.  So when I make amends it means that I am going to change my thoughts, words, and deeds which would in turn change the relationship.  I had to accept that I may never have a Spiritual Relationship with the person, based on truth and
integrity, but that my ego would no longer hold ME hostage.  Learning how to Self-parent my Self, in Step 3, and having good Boundaries really helped with making this change.

When I incorporated the HuMethod™ Forgiveness exercise with my 8th, this step really changed me.  Experiencing the forgiveness exercise finally released me from the blame, shame, victim game. I came out of this exercise detached from the trauma and past hurts and felt a freedom that I never knew existed. During this entire exercise, I didn’t have to condone what happened, but that I could detach myself from the painful feelings.  By forgiving I’ve released myself from the pain and trauma of the past because I accept and validate that what happened, happened.  My ego mind is out of a job because I am no longer resisting.

By not accepting I was repressing, suppressing, minimizing or denying my feelings, and until when I could final accept “what is” as is, I was able to feel my feelings.  I can then forgive and release the toxic energy that has kept me tied to them. It’s like cutting the rope that I had around people.  I’d throw people into the river with every fear and resentment, but because we were  connected, I’d go right in the river with them.  I learned how to love the person but hate the disease that caused them to act the way they did.

Today, because of the HuMethod™ Forgiveness exercise, along with setting healthy boundaries, I’ve learned to remember the lesson and forget the experience.

Today my life force energy is freed up so I can experience my birthright of Joy.  Since I am made of love, it is only natural that the real me is love.  When I set my Self free, I am able to be what I am – love.

If you are interested in learning more about Forgiveness click onto any of the hyperlinks in this article or log onto Holistic Learning Center’s website and remember to…

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Join me next time as I share how I learned to make amends using the HuMethod™ exercise of Responsibility Communication along with Step 9.    Keep coming – it works if you work it!

Deborah Giddings, CSLC and Recovery Trainer

If you seek Recovery Coaching help for yourself or for a family member, if you are an HLC CSLC or CIT, an addiction counselor or a recovery coach, or if you are in Al-Anon, AA, OA, GA, NA, SLAA and you want to mastermind with Deborah you can contact Deborah directly via her email debcoaching11@yahoo.com. Deborah is also available for speaking engagements to share how her recovery journey was transformed by emotionalizing the HuMethod™ exercises.

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