Boundaries - A Relationship
Technique We All Need!
by Hu Dalconzo
 Relationship
mastery requires that you learn how to maturely protect your boundaries.
Mature boundaries are an important ingredient of Self-mastery. If you
never learned how to maturely protect your boundaries, you'll be forced
to use childlike ego defenses. The most important ability in the development
of healthy boundaries is to master how to communicate your feelings.
A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity. Healthy boundaries
come from your conscious awareness of the distinction between you and
the people with whom you share your life. Boundaries protect you and make
you feel safe. There are two types of boundaries: Physical Boundaries
and Emotional Boundaries. Physical Boundaries are based on the invisible
three-foot comfort zone that surrounds you. This is your physical boundary
of safety that you (and others) need to feel safe. Emotional Boundaries
separate you from others emotionally and psychologically. Your ego-mind
creates a sense of personal space and separation from others in order
to help you feel physically safe and prevents emotional enmeshment with
others. When someone violates your physical or emotional boundaries without
your permission, you feel uncomfortable-perhaps even threatened. Spiritual
relationships requires you to honor the need for physical and emotional
boundaries in others and themselves.
When someone trespasses your boundaries by thoughtless or intrusive actions
these actions are called... boundary violations.
There are TWO TYPES OF BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS: Violations of intrusion and
violations of emotional distance:
1. Violations of Intrusion happen when a person is verbally, emotionally,
sexually, or physically abused or enmeshed.
2. Violations of Emotional Distance occur when emotional intimacy
is less than what is appropriate for the relationship. Emotional distance
is harmful, especially with children. A child has the right to expect
closeness and emotional intimacy from her caretakers, and when it is excessively
removed or cut off, it hurts and it becomes emotionally harmful. For example,
when you were a child, if your parents only talked to you to give you
orders or to reprimand you, this would be a violation of emotional distance.
Children and adults need hugs, affection and emotional intimacy from there
parents in order to feel safe and secure.
Violations of Emotional Distance are difficult to validate because these
wounds were caused by... "What wasn't done to you."
When you were a child, you did not have the power or wisdom to stop others
from transgressing your boundaries. Adults could do as they wished with
you because you were powerless to stop them. Now that you are an adult,
you are able to use your adult powers to set mature, functional boundaries
so that you can feel safe, sane and secure in the world.
Often____ when a child's boundaries are violated it is allowed to continue
because the child has not been taught that he/she has the right to say
"no" when his/her boundaries have been breached. If you were not given
permission as a child to say "no" to protect your boundaries then you'll
need to practice corrective Self-parenting boundary exercises.
Emotional boundaries help you to stay safe by stopping you from becoming
enmeshed in the fear based ideas and behaviors of others. Emotional boundaries
tie directly to your belief systems. It is important that you discern
what beliefs belong to you from those that originate from others. Your
mind will treat all of your beliefs indiscriminately and act on them accordingly.
Since your mind does not care whether a belief is yours or another's (such
as a parent), unless you program it otherwise, it will create a reality
that you may or may not wish to participate in. Because of this, you can
become emotionally enmeshed in the beliefs of others to the point
that it will create dysfunctional programming in your life. A Relationship
Mastered person recognizes the impor-tance of not imposing their beliefs
upon others because they realize that it is an emotional boundary violation.
This does not mean that you cannot express your beliefs: it just means
that you should not overly insist, impose, or try to manipulate another
into accepting your point of view____ and belief systems.
Namaste, my soul friends..... Hu Dalconzo
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